Seattle Sucks

It’s a commonly understood psychological phenomenon that people who constantly brag about themselves only do so because they actually have low self-esteem; they feel the need to prove themselves in order to achieve acceptance and feel better about themselves.

Since moving to Seattle, I have lost track of how many times the locals have vehemently, if not angrily, defended their city as being the greatest ever. If Seattle really was so awesome, wouldn’t it be self-evident? I don’t think I’ve ever met someone from Los Angeles who gave me a lecture on why yearlong sunshine is wonderful- it just is. I don’t need to be told. Here are examples of conversations that I’ve had again and again with freaky-defensive Seattleites:

“It’s so goddamn cold here!”
“You’re just a California wimp. I can go outside in a T-shirt.”

“The weather is so shitty here! There’s literally no sunshine, and it rains all the time.”
“But it’s so beautiful in the summer! We get less annual rainfall than New York City!”
“What about the fact that it’s only sunny for two months out of the year, and that there is a constant sprinkle spitting in your face?”
“But it’s so beautiful in the summer! We get less annual rainfall than New York City!”

(I pull out an umbrella when it’s raining)
Scoff! Why are you using, gasp, an umbrella? You are OBVIOUSLY not from here.”
“Um, maybe because I don’t want my clothes or my face to get wet?”
“I just wear a hood like a cool person. Only stupid people use umbrellas.”
“Wearing wet clothes and having the rain smear all your makeup off sounds pretty stupid to me…”

It’s weird! Seattleites simultaneously don’t think that their climate is shitty yet constantly need to reassure others of their amazing 6-week summers. If 45 degrees, clouds, and drizzle day after day really was so great, then why the defensiveness? I just don’t think that it’s natural for humans to live in complete darkness…

Here is a list of other things that suck about Seattle:

1. There are Too Many White People.

Seattle is 69.5% white. And no, the (white) Seattleite argument of, “But there are SO many Asians here!” doesn’t totally fly. The city is 13.8% Asian; Long Beach, my hometown, is 12.9% Asian. You’re really not that special, Seattle. Furthermore, Seattle’s small Latino and black minorities are not only socially marginalized- they’re physically/literally marginalized to South Seattle.

2. There is No Taco Tuesday.

Taco Time and Chipotle do not count.

3. The Nightlife is Shitty.

In the spirit of Seattleites being too cool for things, they are also too cool to have fun. Nightclubs don’t really exist here, as dancing isn’t too popular. Rather, the preferred activity is standing around at a bar until it closes- at 1:45 A.M.

4. Dick’s Really Isn’t As Good As In-n-Out.

Not even the dick jokes can make up for it.

5. The Boys Here Kinda Suck.

Unless you like translucently pale, underweight guys with thick glasses and beards- or their counterpart, the guy who works for Amazon/Microsoft/Boeing who wears North Face jackets and running shoes even when he’s not running. Or guys who manage the feat of being a combination of the two.

6. Speaking of North Face Jackets and Running Shoes…

People seriously don’t know how to dress here. I used to work at a performing arts center, and even people who were going to see a ballet would wear jeans and rain jackets. Come on now.

But I don’t entirely blame Seattleites for their fashion ineptitude- it’s hard for me to look cute buried beneath bulky coats and layers of sweaters. What’s worse- looking like a ridiculous ski bunny or freezing my ass off?

7. Does Regular Yoga Even Exist Here?

Yeah I get it, it’s cold outside. Sometimes, doing yoga in a sauna sounds appealing. However, once one is in the middle of hot yoga class, constantly feeling like one is about to pass out really isn’t that great.

———————
And that is my rant. Now, some things that I like about Seattle:

1. My friends here are awesome.
2. Thai food.
3. There are good hospitals and doctors. (Random but true. Twice recently I have had doctors scoff at the treatment that I received in Long Beach).

The moral of the story is that I’m moving all my Seattle friends down to my home of California. From there, I’m moving all of us to somewhere tropical. Okay, maybe it is a little weird that I feel most natural in humid weather…

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